I almost pulled the plug on Bella Luna Films
This is going to be a very vulnerable post... and that's okay. As a storyteller, I cannot expect others to bare their hearts and souls to me without being willing to do so myself in return. So here goes.
These past 8 months nearly killed Bella Luna Films as a business. There have been many times these past months where I wanted to close shop because I just couldn't handle the stress and anxiety of running this business full-time.
I'm not going to lie and say that I busted my ass the whole 8 months because I didn't. To be honest, I spent the last 8 months agonizing over some existential stuff that stood in the way of me just creating art. My depression and anxiety wasn't all that helpful either.
So the truth is, I wasted a lot of time being afraid of the future. It paralyzed my creativity completely. It crippled my sense of self-identity.
In the beginning, you expect to become 100x better and 100x richer overnight. When you realize that that's not happening, you start wondering what the hell is wrong with you. Why aren't you making $$$ right NOW? The weird thing.. BLF was never about money in the first place. It was just a measurement I used against myself because I thought that it would be an indicator of my success. I know now that it was stupid yet utterly human to think that.
"I FELT I HAD SOLD OUT. I HAD BURNT OUT. I WAS DONE."
Long story short, I took on projects/clients that I probably shouldn't have because at the end of it all, I hated my business and all that it stood for. I felt I had sold out. I had burnt out. I was done.
Thankfully, after taking a long hiatus from Bella Luna Films and accepting an amazing job opportunity elsewhere, I realize now that what lacked was patience. Patience for myself to grow and improve over time. Patience to wait for the right clients instead of jumping at every opportunity presented. Patience in all the mundane things which seem to have no immediate impact at all. Patience in my art.
If you're in a similar situation, I hope that you'll be patient with yourself. You have a purpose and sometimes that purpose manifests itself in some really mundane, disappointing ways. Most times, it doesn't look like immediate success.
So, I still want to capture your insanely beautiful life through my films. However, I need to take better care of my heart and allow myself room to grow so that I don't burn out again. I'm going to do what makes me happy and inspired. It's honestly the only way I can create amazing films. I'm happy to say that Bella Luna Films isn't going anywhere.